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I'm pregnant 36 weeks and 3 days. 

This pregnancy has been physically relatively easy. Pins and needles in my hands and finger tips, swelling feet. No major issues besides two bouts of gastric pains in the first trimester that ended with violent vomiting. Both due to stress-related events. Just lots of emotions up and down like bipolar bear.

I've been crying almost every day for the past week. It started with the feeling of loneliness and not being loved. And I've always had this feeling. I've never felt like I deserve anything good in life. I always never feel loved when I tell myself I must be. And I realised it's probably stemmed from mummy issues. Constant tryin to please but never ever good enough to be noticed. The feelings I have get brushed away. Unsupported decisions. The unfair treatment growing up. I was ok. I told myself, mum has less to worry about with me, I won't be a burden. I won't be dependent on her. Everything confided with her gets the same psychiatry 101 response. I don't need a shrink, sometimes you just want a mum. I guess she never really needed to be a mum or knew how to? 

My baby Arnie - it has been an emotional rollercoaster. Brings us so much love and joy majority of days and then out of the blue diagnosed with Addison's then IMHA and then back in hospital cause he got into wrapped presents, chocolate sultanas under the Christmas tree. It's been three nights without that little ball of happiness. I'm coping better than the previous times but also not at the same time. Why isit so unfair that this little body has to go thru so much trauma in his 5 years of life? My poor baby. Hope we can bring him home tonight.. 

I googled why do I cry so much? 

Crying without knowing why and unable to control or explain why - signs of mild depression.

Depression - when you stop caring about things. I've always asked myself when did I stop caring coz I used to care so much. 

I've pinpoint it to my last relationship and the last time I made the decision not to always be the one to make the effort to see people and realised I guess I was just someone people will forget about. People have their own lives to deal with. Whereas my life was about other people. No one truly asked about me and what I felt. I was jus some lonely girl people went out with just because. I guess because I had this mindset... It's changed alot of my relationships with my friends. I feel distant.

But it's not till recently that I realised I need to change. I've really changed and become so selfish because I've stopped listening, stopped caring, kept taking but not giving. It's depressing because I was this person I didn't want to be. I've just been in years of a depressive state. I've started letting go of these feelings recently and started giving more. It feels so much better. Why did I become so numb? I guess I didnt wanna get hurt anymore. 

Bloggin always helped me. I feel much better already.