You make me smile. Still.

Just one out of billions. Thoughts. Emotions. Life.
♥jaѕмiиe. Y,011088. Learning to live and love every single day.
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hi... Wednesday, July 28, 2004, 7/28/2004 12:30:00 am ♥ cry mystery.. i feel weird now for some reason... ( i think this is goin to be one of those mixed-feelings, depressing blogs of mine, so jus ignore this blog ) BEWARE: if the blogger says "i feel weird" please disregard the blog contents "im all out of love, wat m i without u, it cant be too late, to say tt i love you. im all out of love, cant stay on without u, it cant be too late, to say tt i was so wrong. wat r u thinkin of~" thats a song from airsupply~ lol.. old band.. hehe.. neway.. yea today was the first day of term 3.. it was pretty ok for a sch day.. quite boring but i dun wanna think about the negativ at the moment.. nowadays.. i've been findin myself sittin at the fireplace, staring at the pieces of wood burn to ashes.. n thn i'll scream "it's gone" n someone comes to replace it with more wood... if life was like that piece of wood... i wouldnt replace it... i would disappear with it... ther was once.. i asked my grandma whether if i were to go in ther, wat would happen.. a 2pid question i can say.. coz i kno the answer.. tt was durin exams.. stress time man... sometimes i imagine being a flame on the wood.. it doesnt die out.. not until the wood is totalli eaten up.. it stays alive until both dies out.. (ok im goin weird) today i spend omost my entire day at home infront of the tv.. n when i was goin to do work i posponed it... i'll do it tomoro.. =) hopefulli i wont say tt toml.. i hav to study to go bak... i realli realli wan to go bak... geez if i had to die to go bak i would.. coz i'll be bak rite.. alive tt is... my life has realli changed.. i feel like i dun usualli care as much anymore.. like it's oweis in a dreamyworld.. i dunno.. like i keep on forgettin my bestest buds birthdays n evrything... n i nv used to do tt... mb is memory.. but m i makin excuses or.. i dunno man.. i've been thinkin alot of botherin complications... i feel like i cant tell neone.. i think its better not to this time.. i had the weirdest dream last nite.. i saw my grandpa.. we were havin supper.. n i was at a mrt station.. n ther was a deck.. someone was chopped up all the blood n evrythin... realli disgustin.. but that dream had someone special too.. it was another dream tt felt soo real.. he always felt real.. he was jus infront of me.. in his arms.. i felt warm... nv wanted to leave... but cant help it can i.. thers nothin i can do.. isnt it torturin myself thinkin of the things tt wont come.. i mean come when u want it... i think evrybody knows wat it feels like.. jus let it go~ n be patient.. yea.. tts wat i oweis tell myself... seems to work =) haha... im an ill girl.. lettin my emotions run... takecare evryone~ cute doggies~! Monday, July 26, 2004, 7/26/2004 12:56:00 am ♥ innocent~? the sun was shinin, the grass were green.. it was a fine day.. but still cold~!! hahaa.. neways.. todays.. woke up 11+ i think.. haix.. cant remember.. haha.. neway.. yea.. wokeup, brushteeth, shower, get ready... t0o0o the cookerz mansion~ haha.. yups.. on my way ther.. i forgot my ring :( "no wonder i felt empty" yups.. listen to ur wats the word.. haix.. my memori gettin bad to worst liao.. intuition? lol yups.. so i walked bak home to get n thn i was like.. oh~ need to eat.. lol.. thn i had macaroni n soup.. n thn (im realli scared now happenin in backgrnd) okok continue.. thn i walked to cookerz.. the karaoke thingy din work.. oh wells.. better luck nxt time.. n thn.. after cookerz.. we went to visit michelle.. lol~ lol~ we toked~ michelle was alrite so tts gd.. n thn played pinball.. lol we sorta went in while they were about to eat lunch tho.. but its alrite.. thn we played pinball.. cookerz soo gd at pinball~! lol~! yea.. after that haha we were waitin for each other to say "lets go" at the door... quite a long time.. lol~! neway.. yea after that.. we walked to jevinas~ finalli saw her cute lil elfy lol~! its a golden retriever puppy~! s0o0 cute.. it was biting alot.. n s0o0o0 cute~! lol... soft n cuddli.. like the toilet roll ad puppy.. s0o0o cute~! lol yups thn we left.. n went bak to my place we did nothin realli.. haha.. i showed pics of tommy, blacky, jerry, jenny, n another jenny... lol yea~ thn cookerz thot me how to play butterfly on the keyboard.. haha.. i dun think i can remember.. but i will go attempt playin again another time.. lol~! yupsh.. thn we played with tommy n jerry~ lol arguin over who's cuter~ wahaa.. yea.. tommy's cuter~! tts rite.. hahaa.. im jk.. they're cute in their own ways.. hehe.. neway.. as the time went by.. cookerz had to leave n i bummed around the house n watched tv n thn went online.. lol~! lazy bugger i m.. haha.. n here i m now.. tellin u my daili life.. interestin hei.. not realli.. wahaa.. neway.. realli miss someone.. haix.. gtg now b4 i get into trouble.. takecare evwybody~ swtdrmz~ hehe iCe sKatINg~ Wednesday, July 21, 2004, 7/21/2004 09:00:00 pm ♥ shlping kuiTtiz~! iceskatin~!! lol.. today tiff,tam, jev, jien n me went iceskatin~! lol~ it was a sunni funn day~ we had a lot of fun.. jien n me teachin thm how to skate.. lol~! we went for the dj session so they had games n all lol~! but thn something realli terrible happened to someone... eeki.. all i saw was she fell n when she got up she was holdin her nose n cryin.. i think she fell on her nose.. aiyo0o.. n her nose was just flowin of blood~ it was quite terrible to watch.. n after tt when we got bak into the ice.. ther was a blood stain on the ice.. n there were kids soo mean they go disturb the ice n scrap it... with their skateblades that is.. eew who would want to do tt... haix.. felt soo terrible man.. if i was tt girl.. i would hav been terrified of iceskatin ever again... i would hav.. ouchhh.. it would hav hurt so0 much.. yea.. okok dun think of this anymore.. eeeeee after iceskatin mum brot us go see the land we bought.. apparentli in 2 yrs we'll be movin ther.. stay ther.. it's gonna be a very big house very nice too.. i imagine.. haha.. but i wont think much of it until i see it.. haha they oweis say want to build a house thn after buyin they put it on lease.. so they nv do it... haha.. mb this will be their first.. hehehe.. after that went to bullcreek~ jien went to develop photos.. oh yea.. i hav nv felt soo much like a camera person in my whole life.. it was like.. " ahhh take photo " << the words that came out of my mouth most of the time~ lol.. thn yea.. evryone left bullcreek one by one.. but thn my bro n mum n granma went to bullcreek so it was such a coincidence.. i din hav to walk home~ lol.. if i did walk home i was goin to visit michelle n eva tho.. lol~! neway.. yupsh tt was practicalli my day~ lol~! ohh ohh.. my granma is here.. gotta go0o.. 12.23am 26/7 Story time~ Monday, July 19, 2004, 7/19/2004 10:18:00 pm ♥ music accompanyin me.. you kno how.. in primary sch we hav to look at a picture n write a story about it... well this is the picture.. look up yay~! lol yups.. neway.. here goes nothin.. i will attempt to finish this story too lol.. omost all my things all uncomplete de~ lol.. ok.. =================================================================== "MarIa~!! wakEup~! close the door~!" i opened my eyes to the mornin light flashing into my room ~ birds singing.. oops.. realisation.. "okok~ im gettin up... " that was my mum.. evry mornin.. rain or shine.. she goes to work in a lil dairy farm not far from wher we live.. she works day n nite.. hardli see her.. usualli jus her bak as she rushes out the house.. n the same words evry mornin... maria... wakeup.. close the door... its not like she doesnt care.. but theres onli me n her u kno.. n im a troublesome one.. my dad was chased out when i was 10.. well.. i was sorta not surprise after all the shoutin n scary visual images played in the house.. although i was onli 10.. well.. lets say i matured earlier thn most ppl... we lived in small town called Summersnow~ quiet n peaceful.. the best season is during winter, you could smell the freshest air.. im not kiddin.. its like the scent of rosebushes n flowerbeds diffused above the falling snowflakes... you'll definiteli love it.. mb thats y its called summersnow.. when the town is snow-filled.. it feels like summer.. the sunset evryday adds to make it the best attraction~ becoz our town is so small evry house has a great view of the sun wake n slp.. it takes ur breath away... anyway.. im goin to be 20 in a month.. 3 yrs of studyin music n english poetry~ hopefulli become a great musician... i play the keyboard, compose n rites my own music.. jus nv showed it to anyone.. thats prob my life.. i sit by the window lookin out at the love n happy life evryone is leadin.. the couple in front of the house every saturday afternoon.. n the sporty lady takin her dog for walkies evryday~ these are my inspiration n motivation to writin my songs... ~ its funni they dunno wat big impact they hav in my life.. im not a stalker ok.. jus happen to be ther when they are ther.. one look at thm u kno they're made for each other.. they're soo cute~ ther was once.. they were walking down the street towards from behind the house.. holdin cone icecreams in their hands.. lol.. it was so obvious the girl was tryin to copy his movements... she was oweis happi.. u can tell from the smile on her face... neway yea.. the same steps n evrything~ lol.. except she had the icecream on the opposite hand.. lol.. ther was a fly infront of the boy.. so he waved his hand infront.. n the girl followed.. except she was using the hand with the icecream.. lol.. so u could imagine wat happened.. its so cute.. she waved her icecream n it dropped on top of his icecream.. lol.. n u could see her facial expressions.. with a dot of cream on her nose.. she was like.. ahhh my icecream.. lol.. n the guy was like.. hehe its mine now =P lol.. she was jumpin around to get to the icecream.. lol.. in the end they shared that one icecream.. look how sweet~ lol.... n its so cute how they can sit on the road side n tok about evrything.. y this particular spot.. well its wher they found each other.. sooo cute~! lol yupsh.. my songs are mainli about love.. love they express outside my window.. gives me all the inspiration i need... i would thank thm for evrything... if onli... it will soon get dark n they will leave together.. as i sit ther listenin to the recorded tunes n melodies playin in my ears... n fall deep into slp wher onli dreams i hope to be reality.. i dream of a happy famili.. thers me, mum.. n dad... those were the days.... i get to see thm evryday.. with those eyes.. full of compassion n care.. n the warmth between their arms... i miss those days.... soon the dream becomes dark~ n slow music enters the scenerio... thats when i kno its time to wakeup.... i wake up to find myself.. against the window, night falls.. mum's not home yet.. i proceed to my room.. the darkwalls.. around the hard bed i lay on evrynite... i m in another world now.. again.. not in a dream.. but in reality... from ther on.. dreams were filled with darkness, an empty lake.. a town called Darkfalls.. no music.. no people... alone in the darkness world... =================================================================== yay`! haha.. i finish.. hope u understand the story~ waha.. ok i go ler.. takecarez ppl~ buaix waiTing~ 7/19/2004 12:21:00 am ♥ Waiting for a sign... lol the pic on top soo cute~ copy frOm buLletIn iN frIenDstEr.. lol.. coz sian.. ==================================================== wHen i sHang xin, I: - feel burnin n sinkin in my heartz.. - feel very dark... alone... isolated... - usualli did something wrong... - try to make myself hapPy... lauGH and go siA0.. see people think im weird thn happi.. waha.. - listen to sad music... wHen I sheNg qi, I: - tell myself.. they dun deserve my ventiling... tt im lame.. - feel frustrated... - shout n very moody towards ppl... - hate myself... feEl sorRy for ppl who hav to face me at the time... - mite hav my PP~! lol ( oso in shangxin ) wHen I kaI xIn, I: - hahaa i crap alot.. =x ( its surprisin wat crap i crap about~ ) - go crazy n scream, dance, jump in the house... start singing madli~ - lauGH unTil cAnNot sTop... haha... another words go crazy... - with person i love....with friens n famili.. IN SINGAPORE~!!!! lol - bluSh~ if too happy... wHen i xInt0nG, i: - cry...feel very painful in the heart... - cry till all my tears are out.. - cry... n write out my feelings... - cry... think of dying... - mite hav my PP again~! lol. =================================================== its said that when we ask god for help.. he gives us simple signs.. signs we dun notice... n ther are oweis consequences when i do somethin wrong.. when i hurt someone.. it backfires.. n i get hurt myself.. physicalli..or emotionalli.. accident or on purpose... do i not think of others? i dunno.. mb sometimes im abit selfish.. i try not to be... sometimes i sound like i dun care, i do but i dunno how to show it... haix.. anyway .. god has his ways.. hmmm~ dunno arh... today so sian... wakeup, eye keep twitchin, drink coffee, walk around house, do chemistry, eye still twitching, do chem until by the time 7.30pm ler.. dinner thn tok to mum.. 8.00 online... interesting day mah? nopes.. i dun think so... din evn finish the chem.. thn toml hav to do human bio thing.. n thn so scared cannot read finish the novel.. pray i can... beginning to stress.. not fulli yet.. can control.. hehe.. wat to do wat to do~ overall: BORING DAY~! takecare evwybody ^-^ miss you singapore~! n pple, u kno who u are =) x0x0x0x0x0x0x0x0x0x0x0x0x0x0x0x0x0x0x0x00x0x0x0x0x0x0x0x0x0x0x Sunday, July 18, 2004, 7/18/2004 02:08:00 am ♥ First time i saw you... 7/18/2004 02:07:00 am ♥ being together... 7/18/2004 02:06:00 am ♥ when i see a shooting star... 7/18/2004 02:06:00 am ♥ mmm steamboat.. hehe 7/18/2004 02:04:00 am ♥ wat if this happens? 7/18/2004 02:00:00 am ♥ First Love wondering mind~ Saturday, July 17, 2004, 7/17/2004 07:42:00 pm ♥ Looking at the same sKy... wonder wat evryone is doin rite this moment.. when im bored out of my head... nothin to do but stare at the plain tinted screen in front of me... when i had no words to say.. there was oweis silence... are we further apart? or mb its jus bcoz we are from a distance... will it be the same? hopefulli... at least i kno of ur existence.. that evryday we are on the same world.. we see the same sky, same sun, moon and stars... u kno that feelin is like sharin ur views with millions of ppl.. its nice to kno that someone shares the same things n values as u... dun feel as alone.. evn tho its nice to be unique.. actualli being alone is not that bad... u hav time to think things thru.. evn tho it mite hurt.. u still hav a choice to stop thinkin... but sometimes u dun.. haix.. i dunno wat im tokin about... i m realli obsessed.. not thinkin straight.. better not be.. mite loose... haix... let this tired mind rest.. after all this head's been thinkin all day.. stupid jap homework.. the teacher givs us one thick booklet to do~ n i oso hav kumon.. but yay~! hahaa.. i finish ler.. well.. finish for the day norhh hehehhee toml lets think wat to do.. if nobody say to go out.. i will hav to do hw.. sooo.. i hav chem n human bio to choose from.. okok.. i finished intro, physics, jap, so i got three more.. hB, chem and english~.. umm toml do... chem~ okkokok.. i do chem toml.. so sian.. plannin for hw.. hmmm.. some one ask me go out~!!! haha.. at home very sian.... but thn i oso lazy to watch the vcd.. haix.. i wan to kno wat happen but thn dunno leh~ like cant be bothered~ waiiiii~!? dunno! lol.. ================================================================= sEe wHetHer I caN write a poem n0w~ ================================================================= As i look out my window there was a beautiful sunset at sight.. the birds sing and plants grow but this emptiness i feel is not right.. ================================================================= errr.. i gtg ler.. mb .. mb onli.. i continue the poem.. lol takecare evrybody~ smile smile hehe.. another dAy witH u n Me in PaRadiSe~ Wednesday, July 14, 2004, 7/14/2004 02:14:00 pm ♥ SaMuRai-X is being with you a dream? ah ee oo eh oh~ Sunday, July 11, 2004, 7/11/2004 08:16:00 pm ♥ The way u make me feel finish watchin "muo nu de tiao jian"~ very nice.. cry so much the ending.. hao gan tong ohh~ lol.. we on holiz liao~! yay~! but thn so sian.... evryday wakeup today think i'd be waking up in singapore.. not used to holidayin in aus eh... dunno lah.. sian.. 1234567 how? wat to do.. today i was suppose to finish my homework de~ but thn too lazy ler.. haa.. toml lor~ hopefulli i dun slp too late today so i dun wakeup so late to hav enough time.. wat to do wat to do.. hehe.. i got the hello thingy.. now can put up pics ler.. not as boring ler this bloggi.. hhee... still is.. i should change skin leh.. lol.. lala.. i hav a novel to read b4 sch starts.. how to read.. ahhhh i dun like readin.. see whether interestin bah... today me tried to play guitar.. coz cookerz lent me a LEARN TO PLAY GUITAR NOW 2004~ hehe.. cool hei.. but i dun realli get it ... i learnt some things like the abcdefg yups.. hehe.. lalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalaaaaaaa.... takecare baiiii